Kinder Guardians | Who Is America? | Sacha Baron Cohen SHOWTIME Series

who is america s01e01
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[speaking Hebrew] My name– Colonel Erran Morad. I am the terrorist terminator. [gunshot] In America, there is big problem of shootings in schools. The NRA want to arm the teachers. This is crazy. They should be arming the children. Yalla! Lets go! ♪ hard rock music ♪ ♪♪♪ To get deadly weapons into the hands of Americas schoolchildren, I needed the help of gun-rights hero Philip Van Cleave. My next guest is a gun-rights advocate who says the Bushmaster semi-automatic rifle, the type of rifle that Adam Lanza used to kill 20 children and six more adults, is “a blast to shoot with. Guns are fun. Some of them are much more cool than others.” Are you proud of what you said? Its just a fact. In America, there have been a lot of shootings in the school and in the university. What do the liberals say is the reason for this and the solution? Well, they blame it on guns. [scoffs] Yeah, its crazy, because people– They blame it on the guns? Yes. [speaking Hebrew] Meshugge. Yes, it is. We start a program in Israel for kinder-guardians. Okay. We train them from the age 16 down to the age three. Yeah, well, I-I think it would be a-a good idea. We– Weve been pushing something along this line for years, but really havent gotten any traction with it. We were thinking seventh or eighth grade. Youre talking much younger than that. My son was in the very first program. May he rest in peace. Uh, he died doing what I love. Yeah, they havent quite developed, uh, what we call “conscience,” where you– you feel guilty about doing something wrong. Thats developing. Youre learning right and wrong. If they havent developed that yet, they could be very effective soldiers. This year, in our state government, they had a bill put in that would have made it illegal for someone four years old to 12 years old to have access to a gun. Oh, we killed– We killed the bill. What? They tried to stop four-year-old children from having access to guns? Yes. Yes. What is the logic that these people come up with? They just think that children, uh, cant handle them. We want three-year-olds who are real experts at what theyre doing, not three-year-olds who are reckless. Yeah. And we dont teach two-year-olds, because they call it the “terrible twos” for a reason. Yes, theres a reason. Yes. So, I would like you to help me do instructional video for three-year-olds. Okay. ♪ whimsical music ♪ ♪♪♪ [school bell rings] Shalom, children. My name Erran Morad. I here to show you that guns, when used responsibly, with training from grown-ups, can help keep you safe in your school. Here to help teach you is Philip Van Cleave. Not every strange man you meet gonna be friendly and non-threatening like me. Today, were going to teach you how you can stop these naughty men and have them take a long nap. Thats right, and thats why youre going to meet a friend of mine. His name is Puppy Pistol. [dog barks] Now, Philip, will you show us how to feed Puppy

Pistol? To feed him, take his lunchbox and push it into his tummy, like this. Just remember to point Puppy Pistols mouth right at the middle of the bad man. If he has a big, fat tummy, point at that. [laughs] Great! Its fun. Okay. Puppy Pistol is part of a whole group of new friends that your parents can get you called Gunimals. Wouldnt you love to meet this little Gunny Rabbit? Hes ready to put the naughty man on a very long time-out. How about the magical Uzicorn? Well, this is one for the girls. Its a lovely little unicorn that you can play with. Dino-Gun can stop an entire crowd of bad men. And, tots, youve got to learn that Dino-Gun eats and spits his candy really, really fast. Rocket Ship RPG will take you to the moon. Or, rather, the bad guys are going to the moon, if they attack your school with a truckful of big, scary fireworks. And introducing BFF, a starter gun for infants 24 months and under. BFF is so easy to fire, even a baby can use it. BFF wants to help you pull the string on a bad guy. Make bang-bang. ♪ whimsical music ♪ [to the tune of “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes”] ♪ Aim at the head, shoulders ♪ ♪ Not the toes ♪ ♪ Not the toes ♪ Fire! ♪ Head, shoulders, not the toes ♪ ♪ Not the toes ♪ Fire! ♪ Eyes, ears, and belly and nose ♪ ♪ Head, shoulders, not the toes ♪ ♪ Not the toes ♪ Fire! [Erran] Now that I had a common-sense training video, it was time to take it to the nations capital. I just arrived in Washington to see if someone will back my kinder-guardians program. I needed to find politicians who would fight for the Second Amendment right of toddlers to bear firearms at preschool. So I met with lobbyist Larry Pratt, director of Gun Owners of America, which have 1.5 million brave members. The evils in our hearts, not in the guns. Do you think the liberals are using these school shootings to further their anti-tragedy agenda? Theyre trying, but its– its not that hard to find a student who does think that way, because thats what theyre being taught in the schools. We actually found out that, in schools, it not only important to arm the teachers– important to arm certain gifted children. Oh, thats great. We train from 16-year-old, uh, up to four years old. This segment of the conversation would absolutely cause heads to explode here in this country. Not all. Why? Because they will be shot or… Because that theyre– theyre so prejudiced against young people having guns, and especially in a school. The only thing that stop a bad man with a gun is a good boy with a gun. Yeah. Uh, even a good toddler. Exactly. A toddler. Really. The great thing about toddlers is, they dont have any fear of guns. This fear is really given to you by the media. Thats a good point. Well, if they hear somebody shouting, “Allahu Akbar,” theyre likely to instinctively go for that

gun. We had one problem with this. There was a Muslim gardener who was praying, and he said, “Allahu Akbar,” and he got– He got shot. [laughing] Pray in– Pray in secret. Women need a gun, you know. My wife, she have a gun. And she shot me once. You know, what can I do? I get horny in the middle of the night, but its not, uh, rape if its your wife, eh? [both laugh] Right? Right? That probably wont be on the video we send to the Hill. Oh, no, no, no. [laughs] What do I need in order to introduce this program into America? There are a few members of Congress that, I think, would be as receptive to what youre doing as I have been. Id be very happy to see if we could get them interested, to set some time aside. Great. Lets see if we can stop these anti-gun people from getting everyone killed. Yeah. Yeah, theyve got blood on their hands. Now that I had this Pratt on board, I was welcomed into the halls of Congress, where I sat down with a House representative and outlined my common-sense proposal. Oh, the– the– You want me to say on television that I support three- and four-year-olds with firearms? Is that what youre asking me to do? Uh, yes. Hmm. You can… Typically, members of Congress dont just hear a story about a program and then indicate whether they support it or not. I support the kinder-guardians program. We, in America, would be wise to implement it, too. Its something that we should think about, America, about putting guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens, good guys, whether they be teachers or whether they actually be talented children or highly trained preschoolers. Maybe having many young people trained and understand how to defend themselves in their school might actually make us safer here. A three-year-old cannot defend itself from an assault rifle by throwing a Hello Kitty pencil case at it. Our Founding Fathers did not put an age limit on the Second Amendment. The intensive three-week kinder-guardian course introduces specially selected children from 12 to four years old to pistols, rifles, semi-automatics, and a rudimentary knowledge of mortars. In less than a month, less than a month, a first grader can become a first grenader. Toddlers are pure, uncorrupted by fake news or homosexuality. They dont worry if its politically correct to shoot a mentally deranged gunman. Theyll just do it. The science behind this program is proven. At age four, a child processes images 80% faster than an adult, meaning that, essentially, like owls, they can see in slow-motion. Children under five also have elevated levels of the pheromone Blink-182, produced by the part of the liver known as the Rita Ora. This allows nerve reflexes to travel along the Cardi B neural pathway, to the Wiz Khalifa 40% faster, saving time and saving lives. When it comes to the safety of our children… The way to stop bad guy with a gun… Is a good kid with a gun. A g-good kid with a gun. A good child with a gun. Happy shooting, kids.

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